A person gets in these relationships with another 'person' ---  a 'manperson' in this case and gets their ass creamed. I love my GFRIENDs. I have written about them before...  one of them was gameshow contest numero uno for a barn-pissing contest. [long story]. She rejoined the dating circuit slowly, tried a connection with a church friend, you would THINK that would be the safest bet of all right?!, but turns out he was a contestant on a different sort of game altogether. Then she met "%^&" whom i am only dubbing %^& because (1) i promised to not use names and (2) the three keys reside adjacently on my keyboard. you wanna know WHY some of us end up with baggage??!!?!? some of the less innocent of us? like those of us that met/kissed/married the very first of our lovers and then when launched into the occasionally cesspoolian atrocities of what is modern dating get smacked by asswipes like %^&?!

OWN YOUR SH*T! if there is anything else that one person can do for a freakin other its THAT. no one expects you to be perfect. do you realllllly think you are fooling anyone by pretending to be/do/say anything OTHER than the truth? you're not! trust me! none of us are buying it.

exhibit B/C: me AND my roomie [who i also talk about frequently] we LOOK to be two very independent and savvy fempersons. and we are. for the most part. but there are things---quirks if you will --- that we share. for example, we do not see bills as requirements. we see them as suggestions to make payment. particularly.... parking tickets. and quite recently... yesterday in fact... one of us got served some very suggestive opportunities to pay. a boot. on said car. that had previously been repetitively offensive-ly parked in a street-sweeping-zone. so the car got booted. and a hot pink suggestion-to-pay posted on said transportation vehicle.

one might call that an immediate notice to own ones said shit.

there could have been excuses.

there could have been stories told.

there could have been blaming of ones dogs or kids or health or dishealth. or --- as a certain someone chose --- there could have been "owning of ones shit" and find out that people are REALLY a lot more understanding and forgiving when they KNOW they are getting the true story.

which was the case of the case of the boot.

and not so much the case in the story you are about to read. of a certain exhibit A versus a case of the aforementioned exhibit B/C. this is a tale of GFRIEND meeting mister-appears-to-be-face-value that turns into a spineless and weak manperson not wanting to own his own cognitive decisions and THUS maims an innocent passerby.

i hate 'that' guy. if he had had anything to say it might have gone like this. there might have been more to comment on but for the sake of privacy it is hypothetically excluded. not that i would ever exclude anything for the sake of a ass' comfort, but i would at a friends request. and what follows is simply and example of how NOT to apologize when you hypothetically just broke someone' heart.

--------------interlude of sharing with girlfriends because one is FREAKING OUT!----------------

"%^&" [aka f-in mf-er that deserves to be publically flogged): I would like to say that you are a great lady and deserve a person much better than I. I apologize for the way things have gone down {editors note: please note total absolution of any personal responsibility for actions taken, communication of those actions and/or OWNERSHIP OF ONES OWN SHIT} and really hate myself for the way I have handeled {editors additional note: Handel wrote wonderful classical music, HANDLE is the equipment on a bike or what you do with YOUR OWN F-IN SHIT!} the situation. I wish I could have seen this coming and avoided the pain it may be causing you but at the same time had I seen it I wouldn't have taken the time to get to know the wonderful woman in you {editors final note: what is she? a transexual?! the wonderful woman isn't IN her.... she IS the wonderful woman! jack@ss!}. There is no excuse for my actions but would like to say {editors really final note: "like to say"???? then SAY it you spineless @ss! and do it from some other place than your gd blackberry!!!!!} I am truly sorry for hurting you.

as one might have noted... hotness or coldness rolls just fine with me.... lukewarm and pussyfooted just pisses me the hell off.

love you [favorite and personal nickname]. HE is out there. i promise.

that oh so sneaky suspicion that the mile wide smile and softspoken demeanor of someone in your vicinity is hiding their truer motives? that someone is conniving over your demise whilst asking you to lunch? you are doing a bang-up job and are applauded in your efforts --- overly enthusiastically i might add --- and yet have that feeling near your abdomen that says alls not well?

wonder if caesar had it?

i am not calling her brutus. we don't really even know each other that well. but i am saying that for someone that is going on and on and on about the fabulousness of my contributions towards making our workgroup a smoother keener cleaner one --- she spends a lot of time trying to one up me.

her cheerleading is perhaps a wafer-thin coating over boorish attention hog tendencies?

the records thing for example. everyone else in the corporate universe realizes the importance of time management and outsourcing. especially in the age of privacy advocates, HIPAA and lawsuits. you want to make sure that your i's and t's are getting the proper amount of attention. assertions that were once again "fantastic!" by her assessment. and "fantastic!" that i am making that happen for the firm. if its so f-in-tastic then why are you running around trying to redo/undo/overdo what i have done. YES! i have done the research!

the need for a "consensus" and a "clarified proposal" apparently means that the rest of us need to come around to her way of thinking OR we need to give her credit for my idea. because any other pathway is amounting to sweet faces, soft words and killer backstabbing with razor-edge precision.

and she thinks i don't have any freaking idea.

i LOVE the classics. and the look on her face when this particular caesar turns on her particular version of brutus-ette... now that... that will be a NEW classic.

my roommate is a nut. but a level-headed nut. she can take more guff from people than anyone i  know. she comes home with work stories that astound me. situations that i would have strangled someone and felt good about it but she manages to listen, take the pertinents and adjust. not me. i would have to --- as i mentioned --- strangle someones throat.

so it came as a mild surprise when she stormed upstairs 48 hours ago and declared she was going to strangle someone. not just anyone. our neighbor. hot neighbor. hot married neighbor who we REALLY like to do yard work. [visions of desperate housewives anyone?]

i should explain something first.

we are the only non-soccer-ball-bearing females on our street. its a nice little mr rogers neighborhood of moms that don't work and watch their progeny run amok in the cul-de-sac until dad comes home and then the men sip a cold one with each other while mom rustles dindin then everyone skips inside to eat and snuggle. we do not invite them to our parties and we do not get invited to theirs. i mean, we can sport a casserole dish as well as anyone -- but there is just an unspoken agreement that WE do not mingle with THEY. WE are single women, THEY are respectable marrieds. done. got it.

so we wave at them as we come and go. we slow down our cars so as to not maul their children or  dogs [who poop in our yard so i encourage mine to reciprocate, but thats another story]. and we joke about piping porn onto our outdoor speakers one evening just so as to rustle all their prissy lil feathers.

now you have the scene. oh and i should mention that we don't get around to the mowing, raking, monday-is-trash-day, every-other-week-is-recylables as much as the marrieds do. we are busy singletons. very busy. we got rid of cable bc we were so busy. no time to watch other peoples fake lives bc ours is out there waiting on us.

so hotmarriedneighborman strolls over to the roomie 48 hours ago. has never spoken to her in the 16 months she has lived here. and asks [all snarky and condescending] 'is that yours?' as he points to a single bag of trash she has put curbside after cleaning out her car. 'yes' as she continues to take pics of the house. 'do you not have a trash can?' etc. etc. etc. ultimately the roommate walks away from him as he huffily says "i'll take care of that for you' and hoists the offending bag over his shoulder.

he is trying to sell his house. as are three other people on the street. and the house aint selling. the market is flooded. and he wants more than people want to pay. yes, its less than the people that sold in january. but -- woops -- that was january. apparently this bag of trash was going to be the big deal breaker for all those offers he has banging on his door. not the basically abandoned car his buttbuddyothermarriedcouple's car that sat IN MY SPACE FOR SIX MONTHS before it was sold. THAT was acceptable. but not a bag of trash by the singles. to them its okay to be an ass. and that he is selling his house is one of the facts he shares with roomie, who is shocked bc, after all, we are very busy and missed that huge FOR SALE sign in his gd front yard.

he didn't know the day that i was having.

or that i was a fan of strangling people.

someone should have warned him.

bc he came back for more.

and this time he got 6 feet and 135 pounds of redheadness double barreled just for his viewing pleasure. i had an old wool rug that was past its prime and did the slow dance to the rug graveyard by momentarily being a nice part of the deck decor. then it rained. and wool doesnt really repel water. it acted like a deck diaper. and the skeeters were delighted. me---not so much. so i have this stanky, drippy, skeeter bait rug that was quietly hanging out for the garbage man.... where do you think it went?!

curbside.

and the neighborman came back. armed with a phone number for 'oversized objects collection'. that i pointed out was readily available in the phone book. and if he came back with more attitude or nasty that i would start drying my laundry on the front fence line. and would quit mowing my yard altogether. and oh-by-the-way THIS is going the be the first interaction you ever initiate?! you think WE care now whether or not you are ever selling your house?! neighbor? 

you don't want to do that.  you see, we find this little exchange amusing. as will we torturing your condescending wishwecouldsellthisdamn house selves. bc see --- we are very busy, but this is entertainment and we don't have cable.

a friend of mine has a very very adamant opinion on global warming. and its inexistence. fondly referring to it as 'junk science'. i respectfully disagree. on no other foundation than my sister, who i trust and adore, claims it in fact DOES exist. nonetheless, watching The Penguin Al Gore accept an Oscar for his work on An Inconvenient Truth was laughable. He is a poser and revolting... watching all those actors genuflect in front of him and him eating it up like it meant something was too much. this is the same guy that claimed to have invented the internet people.

so, admittedly, it was more than a little fun to read this about him:

The Tennessee Center for Policy Research says today that Al Gore, who won an Academy Award last night for his film about global warming and the importance of energy conservation, uses 20 times the national average to power his Nashville mansion. What's more, his use has increased since the release of "An Inconvenient Truth". The Center says:

Gore’s mansion consumes more electricity every month than the average American household uses in an entire year, according to the Nashville Electric Service (NES). The average household in America consumes 10,656 kilowatt-hours (kWh) per year, according to the Department of Energy. In 2006, Gore devoured nearly 221,000 kWh—more than 20 times the national average. Last August alone, Gore burned through 22,619 kWh—guzzling more than twice the electricity in one month than an average American family uses in an entire year. As a result of his energy consumption, Gore’s average monthly electric bill topped $1,359. Since the release of An Inconvenient Truth, Gore’s energy consumption has increased from an average of 16,200 kWh per month in 2005, to 18,400 kWh per month in 2006. Gore’s extravagant energy use does not stop at his electric bill. Natural gas bills for Gore’s mansion and guest house averaged $1,080 per month last year … In total, Gore paid nearly $30,000 in combined electricity and natural gas bills for his Nashville estate in 2006.

So I'm supposed to live like a raccoon while this tubby fuck drives a go-cart from room to room on his fabulous estate. These dirty god-damn hippies all tell me how awful America is and how great everyone else is, and we should all roll around in the mud like these third world nightmares whose number one export is alien like diseases, meanwhile he's flying back and forth to Caligula-like parties in Beverly Hills on his 20 million-dollar Gulfstream jet. I'm supposed to power my shower with a treadmill, but according to this editorial in the USA Today, Gore can't even be bothered to sign up for "earth friendly" power sources like wind energy, even though the utility companies that service his homes (he has three) in Tennessee and Washington DC offer it as an alternative. I think Ed Begley Jr. is a damn retard, but when he shakes his malnourished fingers at me and says we can all live "green", I at least know that he's speaking from experience, because he truly lives that life. Al Gore is not a scientist or an expert on weather and he's sure as hell not an environmentalist. He might as well tell me he's a Japanese super train that transforms into a tiger.

my dad and my uncle had lunch with an abuser. a man that has beaten his wife. repeatedly. then robbed her. repeatedly. emotionally. psychologically. financially. took her life and self-respect and mental stability and without apology. not only did he do it once. but twice. its an unreported crime because she happened to be married to him. married and bc of her spiritual convictions suffered in silence. while he wrecked the life they had built together. destroyed their two daughters. destroyed her. slept around on her. then left her. penniless. living in an rv on loaned property. she made 40 years of attempts to support him through his problems. 40 years and two divorces. she has nerve problems now. sometimes cannot leave her 'home'. shakes and night sweats. similar symptoms to post-trauma war victims.

the abuser is my ex-uncle. and the woman he beat is my aunt. and my dad and uncles little sister. and i am furious. about the dinner date.

i dont have many personal memories of the maniac. just one. staying at their house in bfe oklahoma. his hissing that we girls were whores and needed to be dressed for breakfast. he was speaking to just me. i was the only one in pjs without my hair combed and braided. my cousins, his daughters, had tried to warn me. i thought they were joking. so he sat in his saggy whitey tighties scratching his balls at the breakfast table and hissed about our whorishness. then stood up in church and spoke about the importance of gentleness and non-judgment in ones dealing with others. f-in lunatic.

someone else dear to me was hurt by someone they respected. hurt in a way that children should not be. and if they are, the ones doing the hurting should be shot. without trial. without question. just shot. and not a tear shed. shot. hung. burned. i dont care. just removed from the planet. instead... bc of the same convictions my aunt carried around... another lunatic was allowed to go on with his life. and in watching the rest of us act like nothing happened, the victim formed a self-image that said they deserved to be hurt. they must have been the one with the problem. and it is still twisting them sideways. lifetimes later they are still hurting.

its not that my father lacks conviction. he has it in spades. for instance, my parents wouldnt call, write or visit me the entire year i shacked up with my future ex-husband. if i wanted communication, i had to contact them. they would be my parents, still loving and open and kind. but bc they disagreed with my actions, they did not reach out to me. once i got married that changed. but not a minute before.

convictions seem to strike at odd moments. my dad recently forwarded an email about all the reasons muslims should not be u.s. citizens. has to do with allah, koran, non-jesus beliefs, anti-americanism, and... muslims are encouraged to beat their wayward wives. it was an ignorant, alarmist, extremist piece of shitdripping prose. and i told him so. he is the most caring, generous, tender person i know most of the time. then there are these flashes of god-only-knows that leave me breathless.

our family has friends that are muslim. and hindu. and catholic. and buddhist. we love them. we have celebrated weddings. birthdays. births. cried at funerals. attended graduations. not an extremist among them. in fact the only extreme behavior i have seen is in this blind acceptance of abusive behavior from degenerates simply bc my parents religion removes any accountability for choice. yes, the god i believe in is the ultimate judge. he alone knows someones heart. fine. good. doesnt remove choice from my palette.

yes, jesus told the self-righteous would-be stoners to back off the old whore with, "you who have not sinned, throw the first stone." and the ranting raving loonies skulked away in silence. however --- there were no castigating sermons to those that shunned lepers. in those days leprosy was thought to be a sign of sin. outward manifestation of inward rotting. visible judgement. maintaining a distance was just good judgement. you didnt want to be associated with those out of favor with god. those living a life of sin.

thats how i felt for the year mom and dad shunned me. but i knew the rules. i knew their reasoning. i got it. they loved me, but my actions caused them to maintain a distance. what i dont get is the application of judgment at random. judge your daughter. judge an entire unfaced populous. dont let them be citizens bc among other things "they beat their wives" however, beat and shredded my little sister, and i can sit down and break bread with your leprous soul. you hurt this innocent child and bend them for life and i will pretend it never happened. still welcome you into my home.

no. no. no.

its a choice. the difference bw being forgiving and being weak. finding strength in truly loving those weaker than us. loving them enough that when they cannot stand up for themselves against those that have done them harm that we do it. walking a mile or two or a hundred with them. keep them safe. be our brothers keeper. or sisters.

its not final judgment. its not non-biblical. you wont burn in hell for it. its called a choice. we make them every single day. and refusing to take responsibility for those choices that directly effect our loved ones --- thats just weak.

its called a choice. make it the right one. leprosy is still leprosy.

Stan Belson

Advertising & Public Relation Coordinator

Guadalajara Mexican Restaurants

 

when i behaved extremely badly as a child, i got spanked. sometimes i had the privelege of picking out my own switch off the willow tree in the back yard. i dont fault my parents at all for it. looking back now, if i had to raise me i would have been farmed out to be raised by wild wolves. i wasnt necessarily the most obedient child. but i digress. willow switches are a funny thing. they are like natures own whips. flimsy, pliable and yet so very strong. the thing about picking out your own willow switch for an impending whipping is knowing that picking one too small means its going to wrap in and out and around your legs and sting like the dickens, but picking one too big means it will snap--infuriate dad further --- and he might pick one of those flimsy stingers to finish the job. so the key is picking one just right. playing goldilocks per se.

it must be that same disobedient spirit that gets irritated by the taped announcements at airports. ever notice the droning one that chastises passengers to "notify airport security immediately if you notice unattended luggage" and to "not carry any items for strangers or someone you do not know". does it ever make you want to leave your bag and walk away just to see what will happen? or is that the extremely bad child in me? rearing up bc i know there arent willows or branches in airports and that i can run MUCH faster now?

and its mr-company-policy-aka-michael-m. who very nicely reviews my flight info, says i should either (1) stay in new orleans and fly out in the morning, (2) move over to delta and fly with them but possibly miss my bags since its too late to pull them, (3) stay on this flight since the weather delays will also delay my connection in charlotte and i will be fine. i think, stay here with mom and dad! i didnt want to leave anyways, so another night will be great. so i start dialing, and then michael m. says that all the cancellations tonight will stage tomorrow as a madhouse and i really, really, really should just stay on this flight. so i thank him and head back through security (again) and wait at the gate (again) and listen to the overhead drone warn about unattended baggage (again).

 

 

one would think that the tale would end here. that my luggage would have shown up the next day. or that us airways would call to say it would be in the next. or something. but... that would be providing a service. and we know that us airways is not in that business. stiffing you at the gate. delaying your flight bc 4 raindrops are on the pilots window. closing gateway doors in your face. manning a dis-service counter. finding new and interesting ways to rephrase "hell no". vaporizing your luggage. thats the business that us airways is in.

so afghan citizens want to know why they are getting killed?! because we are at war! and the rebels they are dancing in the streets in support of---those guys, remember them???---are BEHEADING our citizens. because the very society that you decry as being filled with infidels is exhibiting righteous and justifiable anger? did you not see London? New York City? car bombing? bus bombing? were those blown to smithereens on their morning commute into work actually militants? NO! THEY WERE CITIZENS! and they didn't get a warning. they were taken out by sleazy. slimey, subversive suicide bombers.

that being said, no child deserves to die. no sister, mother, daughter should be dragged from her home a shot. those are YOUR rebels doing that to YOUR people. you won't find that behavior in the previously labeled "infidel"-ized world. that's you against you.