dad and i have a a tradition when he comes for a visit.

(1) he buys me a beautiful plant.

(2) i kill it.

not on purpose, mind you. just bc i cannot grow things. especially when they come with obscure names and/or instructions. like "keep damp in moderate light". what the heck does that mean? sounds like instructions for growing a southerner --- not a plant.

there is also this lil thing that has plagued me all my life. i despise being told what to do. even if it means banging my own head against the wall to figure out for my own self that yes, indeed it does hurt. my lifes experiences have not been unique. i could have avoided some lessons had i simply taken kind advice given along the way --- but that is not my personal choice. i forge ahead thinking i will indeed make "it" work.

but things do change. sometimes miracles do happen. occasionally even a brown thumb gets lucky. and like cj quoted, "to get something you never had, you have to do something you never did."

i am learning to let go of old patterns. habits. tendencies. that just bc something is my reality it does not necessarily make it true. sometimes success can be easier attained by chosing well-trod paths, even if you think you MIGHT have a better way.  like plant instructions, sometimes if you just follow along with what someone else has proven to work -- you get better results.

keep damp in moderate light. brilliant. why didn't i think of that?

how great is it when the best surprises come in the most unexpected packages!

here's to life and liberty and the pursuit of happyness! [no, that was not a typo...and say what you want about willz movie, he had the spelling right]

ever stared in the mirror so long that your face no longer makes sense? you features become distorted and distended and you look like some frankensteinian creation?

i pluck my eyebrows.

its a secret ritual that i have done for years. and sometimes i get overzealous. get in close to the mirror and assault the wayward follicles.  and at times its like trimming your own bangs. grand idea, looks great until you step back and take a look and realize one side is caddywampus to the other. so you trim some more. "just to make it even". until you finally have to throw the scissors (or tweezers) and just leave the scene of the crime. before you render more self-damage.

what is it about the human condition that drives us to change our natural environment? appearance? smack our status quo around into status mutatus. just so that we can say "look what i have done". a desire to have our lives be ones of control and submission?

i wish i knew. knew why there is this conflicted drive to simultaneously be accepted for EXACTLY how we are and yet want the object of our affection (or attention... sorry sweet eyebrows) to bend to our will. to change their/our innate natural state in order to please us.

my childhood next door neighbor (who turned out to be a pedophilic child molester, but i digress) once said that if it weren't for women that men would still sit in caves, eat large hunks of meat with their hands and bath only occasionally. his point, i think, was that we all would be the baser of who we are if it weren't for meeting the someone that inspired us to more.

which is all well and good.

i think.

but what if in that effort to be more, you get in too close to your own image. you tweak just a thing or two at a time. nothing huge. perhaps minute--like, say, a eyebrow lash. small change but things begin to get distorted. and who you are and who you want to be become caricaturistic? and the things that make you so very..... well, so very you.... appear disjointed and non-related parts of a whole that once told a cohesive story?

do you fling the tweezers and run?

Grace Sherwood statue to grace SBH campus

– Having been approached by history buffs, Sentara has agreed to let a statue of Grace Sherwood, the exonerated ‘Witch of Pungo’, be placed on the Sentara Bayside campus near Independence Boulevard and Witchduck Road, which is named for what happened in 1706. Grace was an independent and feisty woman; an herbalist, midwife and farmer who dared to wear pants! Branded a witch by her neighbors, she survived a ducking in the Lynnhaven River and was imprisoned for eight years. She was exonerated last year by Old Donation Episcopal Church and Governor Tim Kaine. I think this statue represents a historical event reflected in place names that endure to this day. The unveiling on April 21^st reflects Sentara’s corporate citizenship. I hope the statue serves as a reminder that ignorance and fear can lead us to do things we may later regret.

i am a chronic optimist. but this week has really been sapping the happyjuice. has me feeling all persimmon-y inside.

sat through a company meeting this morning and watched 150 people clap along to a video of corporate america demanding workerbee america find a way to squeeze more money out of the rest of workerbee america so that fatcat america can take better vacations. [honcho on screen made $3.2M last year --- and crowd squealed over $397 bonus handed out today] relabeled the squeeze as 'service'. a 'year of selling' is to be seen as 'service'. that nice wasnt good enough. didnt get the job done at he register. told us its what the customer wants. as i sat there and thought... no we dont. its a rush to get the redcarpet treatment. its wonderful to walk in and have someone cater to us. we pay for that privelege. but no, i do not want the used car salesman experience. i am part of the they they are talking about. the video included a testimonial of a woman who self-admittedly was lost when it came to shopping. who was befriended by a salesperson. who nicely took her underwing and shopped for her. showed them hugging. it was nice.

some things just cannot be repackaged. there is no way to doll up pushy and greedy. i will probably sit through a few more corporate repackaging operations before its all over with --- but there will not be any way that i will ever be convinced that pushing people in directions they dont want/need is a decent way to make a living. its not a service. its pushing. its why they call dealers --- pushers and not service-ers.

john butler [watch the clip] knows the meaning of service. does something extraordinarily well. makes it available. same offering wherever he finds himself. if you dont want what he has to offer then move along. take it or leave it. if you watch the video he tells you so himself. and he doesnt look to be someone waffling under the pressures of repackage-ation.

himself. as himself. playing what he wants. not trying to figure out what someone else wants and straining to fulfill that. i have done that. been that. tired of doing that.

i know this summers guitar lessons will fail miserably at getting me near the stratosphere of even submarginal talent. i will never be john butler. perhaps i can, though, be myself. as myself. playing what i want. not trying to figure out what someone else wants and straining to fulfill that. i have done that. been that. tired of doing that. its another someone i would like to never be.