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April 02 pacing myself
taken on its face it could have been reason to be upset. i mean it was a promise. and it was my birthday (ok, day after) AND he really just didnt feel like it. not that he was bleeding or injured, just really not up to it. we werent planning a huge show-down. we had agreed that it would be a walk-run so that it was enjoyable for both of us and so that i could get him to agree to do it again in the future. so i could have been upset. but there were a couple of factors that worked in our favor. (1) i adore him (2) he was on his feet for 2 days cooking and prepping for (3) throwing me, AND my brother, the best birthday party ever, (4) i know beyond a single creeping doubt that he would walk through fire to make me happy, and (5) my brother stepped in as proxy.
but he did. and so we did. and i learned another lesson. i can be even a slower runner. i ran/walked the entire course while chatting and holding hands with my little brother is a pace i loved to keep. had i demanded that my hubby keep his promises, i would have missed it. pacing myself. in life. in love. and in really appreciating that the best miles/minute records are not necessarily of the speedy kind. January 05 do over!miracles do happen. especially if you are tenacious enough to grab them by the balls and make them pay attention to you. i have been estranged from one of my dearest friends for over a year. its easier to ignore someone when they are 1800 miles away. not so much when they are sitting in your lap. that looks all well and good and perhaps she was just putting a game face on --- i know, i know, but then again i also know dee. and despite the capturing of the moments before THAT shot revealed a truer picture of the situation..... i also know that despite anything and everything -- she and i are bound for life. viva la 2009! viva la burial of old wounds and ridiculous line-drawing. lets get back to getting. xox. February 07 he really should have been dubbed goldenmet my nephew.
he is perfect.
and life.... life is very very good.
welcome to the planet little man.
so happy that i get to be part time tour guide.
xox ~zia rita August 11 my family makes cute kidsand smart... and charming... June 23 happy [belated] fathers day
thanks to all the dads that put their families first. who make their kids feel special. and who set the standard for how a woman should be treated by always treating their wives like ladies. happy
[yes, that is the man in question... trying to read the paper one morning in the early 70s... and then again helping a girl out with some very painful heels on a trek in colorado.] December 20 ch ch ch changes
used to be that a great evening was one that had to be rediscovered the next day as you swapped fuzzy details like free agent players over your choice of black coffee or slowly sipped water. exhibit 2? now i want to remember it all. realizing perhaps these moments are finite. the times where having daddio poke fun at my terrible driving habits, debate over troop withdrawal and/or the benefits of being single... those times wont last forever.
stoking up the nostalgia reminiscing opportunities. planning my "then" for all my future nows. November 10 baby steps.... no, reallythe foster parenting didnt work out bc you need a bona fide j-o-b in order to qualify. so when i got booted the second time, i also lost the right to help someone else raise their child. their neglected, ignored, taken-by-the-state-for-no-fault-of-their-own child. which on top of losing the job bc of the loser was a REAL bum deal.
but now i am working on this thing (j-o-b) of my own. and pretty excited about it.
and have started to wonder if working on a child of my own is not a good idea also.
i know some very phenomenal humans that were raised by a single parent. couldn't i?
so i asked one of my oldest and dearest friends what he thinks about being my baby's daddy. and his first response let me know i'd asked the right guy... "would i have to be a dead beat dad? or would you let us know each other?" and his second almost made me love him, "what would your parents think of me?" then his third just in today let me know we'll be just fine whatever the outcome, "you know you've always been closest to my heart. i mentioned it to my mom and she is looking forward to a grandbaby----which shocked me!"
going to be an interesting winter. July 01 speaking of crawfishand speaking of crawfish....
what is cuter than a 365 day old redhead checking out his first mudbugs?
HAPPY FIRST BIRTHDAY JESSE!
June 07 ampersand musingi gave a ginormous ampersand as their wedding present. sweated it out and decided worst things worse i would be the one that gave the most kitschy present and therefore it would be humorous. that would be the
why an ampersand?
well their wedding invite said "come put the & in doug & amelia on 05.27.06" and i thought that so appropriate since that has been the essence of my sister and now of her and douglas' relationship. the big "and" without the "either/or". he even calls her his "and girl". because she does it all. does not believe that there is opportunity costs. ignores them.
she & i were raised in an uber-conservative family. okay, perhaps thats overstating since we werent amish or mennonnite. but for the deep south of new orleans, we were uber. try being in the movie titled "footloose in the big easy". and i mean the 1987 version of footloose. don
most of my recollections of early conversations with my parents ended in "BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT"S WHY!" which seemed strange until i started baby-sitting. (well, started and ended in one single session---the kid drove me nuts with all his "why?") and i realized theres a reason parents resort to that primal scream. we do it to them.
that being said, i have never liked traditions. the events that take place long after everyone involved has forgotten the essence of why they are done. like christmas. like easter. it could stem from being the kid that lets the cat out of the bag about santa and the bunny being phonies. mom and dad didnt hold to those traditions so therefore we were not subject to that hoax and felt it our duty to inform our little friends. mom must have gotten tired of the phone calls from screaming parents because we were allowed to hold on the the tooth fairy. mom and dad did cling to the traditions their faith set forth. and that faith could provide no reasonable answer to its apparent subjegation of women.
everything we, and by we i mean little girls in general and my sister and i specifically, were raised to do was bound by its effect on the opposite sex.
so there was the jailbreak.
such was her wedding. and yes, i did call her a bridezillla. and i was shocked because there was so much of traditional elements in it. and then i went and experienced it & it made sense. the church made sense, because joy is what should happen in churches. the vows made sense because they were written with truth & grit and not rote repetition. the dress made sense because its what brides should wear. the reception made sense because the people there were their intimate circle. the gold fish in the centerpieces made sense because.... get back to you on that one! (long side story) there was so much & in the air i thought i might burst.
and i think my family finally got it. got that you can be liberal & loving. non-professing & spiritual. wild & responsible. loud & acceptable. outspoken & heard. unique & okay. traditional & earnest. so very amelia. so very amelia & doug.
it was the single-most beautiful event i have ever seen. and i think it was the & that made the difference. May 22 Congratulations Lindsey!and to a couple of the graduates in particular -- lindsey being the most recent. she's an honor graduate headed for LSU with plans aimed at UT for their business program.
big plans, high hopes, and the brains and determination to make it happen.
she's one of those extremely special people that despite adversity and what the rest of us would call a less than stellar childhood... simply because she had to be the adult while her parents acted like immature fools in a train wreck referred to in polite company as a typical codependently-driven dysfunctional marriage, but i digress... she still managed to not only survive but excel and flourish. she inherited her dads intelligence, her mothers beauty, and developed an amazing, kind, generous, adventuresome spirit all on her own. a spirit aimed at doing something and not willing to just cash in on either one of those first two tickets.
go get 'em lindsey! and congratulations to a job well done! May 17 HAPPPYYYY BIRTHDAY SYDNEY!life is so random.
really really really random.
sydney's mom, christie, came into my life because of the worst relationships either of us has ever had. we both have my exhubby in common. our stories are parallel and sequential. i was the girl that he dumped her for and i never knew she even existed.
when things started to unravel in my marriage, a friend of my exs approached me to say that i was "not the first" [to be treated this way] and if i "ever wanted the truth" he would "put me in touch with someone who knows firsthand".
thats how i met christie. and thats how the demons of self-doubt and self-loathing began to get laid to rest for both of us. because we were both okay and happy and then he arrived and tore that apart for both of us. sequentially. and parallel. and when we compared the common denominator we took away the same lesson.... we really are okay.
she is one of the most caring people i know and is raising this amazing little human with a man that swept her off her feet and adores the ground she walks on. and she seems to like me fine too. and i have to stop in awe at yet another experience that reminds me ----
if i didnt go through THAT then i wouldnt have THIS.
March 09 nothing to fear but fear itselfsay the phrase foster parent.
just once or twice. then add i-am-thinking-of-becoming as a prefix and watch what happens. its been really interesting. really.
i dont have any kids. i have lots of borrowed ones. friends that are generous of spirit and share theirs with me. theres megan who absolute rocks. she is heading off to college. we do pedicures, mexican and shop for outrageously priced accessories together. i think she could be the smartest female i know. and shes not done yet. theres so much ahead of her and she has so much already figured out. theres blaine and chelsea, amys adorable pair, they call me aunt maritta. it melts like water on the west witch of oz. done. wendy has annslee. the first child i ever fell in love with. same story there. lindsey. brianna. sydney. katie twists my heart.
they are all someone elses children that i just get to participate in the fringes of their lives. be one of the characters in the story that is their autobiography. not a central actor. not even a nominee for best supporting. not responsible for the lighting, the soundtrack, the costumes.
doesnt every actor want more than commercials? does any bit part player off broadway not want to step onto the bigger stage? [watching the oscars and the most over the moon winners were the "its hard to be a pimp" rappers--- artists who made their start on the outside of mainstream americana abso-lute-lelee freaking out to have the little gold man in their mitts. oscar. rappers. giggling.] every actor try his hand at directing.
thats me. i want more. to feel that i made some difference to someone that just needed a safe place to call home. a safe place and time to figure out that all of the human race has not failed them.
i wont be the best at this. i wont win the oscar. i wont not make mistakes. i wont not get some troubled child. yes, mom, someone that will break my heart when they have to leave. yes, my life will change. yes, its scary. but how is that different from any other child-rearing? anything worth doing? dont they all break your heart? dont they all create chaos? dont they all need security and patience and understanding? all of foster care seems to be a hothouse experience. extreme pressure resulting in an extreme solution. taking children and putting them in the care of total strangers. total strangers with a 9-week parenting course under their belt.
yeah, i am scared. biological parents may not know the sex of the child and usually just want a healthy clean slate to work with. adoptive parents work for two years towards a pinpointed age, sex, nationality in their child. fosters have a few weeks and bam. i could be proud mom to ?????????????????????
the case worker today mentioned twins. December 29 cochon du laitlook it up. wondering what it means? not going to spoonfeed you this one. involves one large oinker. some wood. a rack. and lots of kosher salt. seems a little barbaric to rub down a pig with kosher salt. there should be certain standards involved. and not using kosher salt should be one of them. but it wasnt. and the ham was great. sister decided that she would have liked to see two certain little white fluffers on the rack too. that was yesterday morning at 5AM when they were barking. in her ear. bc the guys were outside stoking the fire. that would roast the pig. for the next 12 hours. i think they thought it was a barkon du lait. hard to decipher when all you speak is dog.
 my brother has evolved into quite a photographer. what he may lack in verbal and social skills he makes up for in photos. they are poetry. he speaks awkwardly --- sometimes even awfully---to us, his sisters, and now by association, to his wife...bc she is like more like us and less like him. but you can see how he loves her in the way he photographs her.
and that comes through in regards to his family too apparently. [great family shots in the photo album] the pig went down. the family hung out. good times and memories were had. we managed to NOT drag the indoor furniture outside. despite all of our determination to finally go deeper into our southern heritage and earn the rights to "redneck"...the best we could muster was a long drown out "whooooaaaaaaa" to the selfsame brother's monolithic bonfire. three of them actually. bonfires...not brothers. to which we all, four southern belles, appropriately stood at a respectful distance and gaped at while the men gathered and heaped katrina shrapnel. heaped it on heaps already piled high. and burned the tops out of the few remaining trees still standing. you could almost hear the scorched branches cursing as they curled and swung from the heat.
did i mention that it was 80 degrees. in december. and that we roasted a pig. and lit bonfires. and joked about moving the furniture outside?! and i discovered what scares a dad more than a daughter with a chainsaw. two daughters with a ladder and TWO chainsaws. eric said it brought a bible verse to mind. Psalms 74:5. glad it wasnt the whole chapter. November 24 thanksmy little sister woke up and called me this morning. said that she was thankful for me. and then mumbled that someone should bring her coffee. and she would be thankful for that too. thank goodness for humor. her frankness and honesty. lauren has her mother walk ahead of her. not bc she doesnt know the way, but bc her mom clears out the cobwebs first. having a conversation with nean is like that. she clears out the cobwebs. not necessarily redirecting my path. but emphasizing that IF this is MY choice, then she helps clear out the sticky.
this thanksgiving was spent without a single family member near. and thats not odd. what IS odd is spending it in my parents home without my parents. walking through everythng with miss glenda. her asking me where moms keeps x and y. and a table full of people not familiar to me. telling family stories not familiar to me. like i was an audience member in someone elses life. only they were sitting around my parents table. and eating off of the china i recognize. and passing the crystal salt shakers i bought mom one year. it was eerie. and reminded me of how much i have to be thankful for that mom and dad are still around. losing them. the idea of it creeps me out. not being able to pick up the phone to talk to them. dad for his suck it up and deal with its. mom for her empathy and co-worrying.
my sis-in-law is another thing to be thankful for. she trusts me. thinks i am someone she can rely on. that means alot. to be someones go-to person. that somehow you qualified in the reliability shuffle. there is an interesting mix there. since she happens to be married to my brother and yet she is a dear friend. so when we talk about how obnoxious he can be, i have to be respectful that he is her husband. and that i want them to work.
people say that you should go search out happiness. make that a target. i find it stifling. actually doing something is when i realize that i AM happy. not that i said i will or wont do something based on some happy-return-factor. but knee deep into something, say hauling trees with a rusty tractor while dad barks out instructions, and i have a flash of "i'm happy". im thankful for the power to do things that make me happy. to make decisions. search out. try. experiment. and wake up happy.
d. my confused and frustrated best friend. loyal caretaker at spa diane. trying to understand what i am doing. and why. including me in her family. lending me her daughter. has propped me up through more self-induced drama than anyone should ever have to. and is now letting me figure this one out too. thankful for her. her spirit. and her acceptance. she likes to adopt the unadoptables. and make them feel like royalty. and im not just talking about silver and able, the weiners.
connections. roots. friendships. links. old ones. new ones. cj said the other night that it was odd that so little has changed over the years. for so many things to have transpired and still to be at her parents place. joking. comfortable. debating. plotting. thankful that time changes so much and so little. guess that is one of the hard things about truly making a fresh start. you always have to bring yourself along. yourself and all your baggage. thankfully and then not so. September 01 katrinafinally heard news regarding my parents whereabouts. last time i spoke to them they had left Pearl River and evac'd to kikomo, ms where they were eating everything in the defrosting fridge and watching trees fly by the windows at 100MPH and seth trying to light a cigarette in that windstorm. then nothing. for three days. nothing. christie and i aksed each other where we had gone wrong in raising our parents. didn't we teach them anything? calling home especially.
the ordeal has brought out the best in some people and the worst in others. i am simutaneously uplifted by the outpouring from friends and friends of friends and horrified by the lack of character some in my home state are showing. shooting, rioting, looting? come on people! what are you thinking?! or are you?
this has brought my family together in a huddle and for that i am grateful. for the reminder that we do have others to lean on and that god is good and kind. |
i am a sloooooow runner. 9 to 10 min/mile is my limit. he is a non-runner. he being my hubby and he also being the guy that was supposed to co-run a 10k the day after my birthday. he’s been running for the first time ---ever---in preparation for it. it was going to be one of our wedded “firsts”. he bailed. on the morning of.
my brother is also not a runner. or i should say is no longer a runner. he used to be a triathlete. used to run, bike, swim and endure without a care. then his back gave out and he has been reduced to finding ways to cope. a simple game of corn-hole (if you dont know, its funny just to say it out loud) can incapacitate him for weeks. so he should have been the least likely candidate to run a 10k with me the day after my birthday. bc of those factors and because he has not been practicing. at all.
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